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My mummy told me to stay away from those evil sex-ridden interweb pages.
Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” “What have you done, Tommy O’Connor?” “I had sex with a girl.””Who was it, Tommy?” “I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.””Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?” “No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.” “Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?” “No father, please forgive me for my sin.” “Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O’Keefe.” “No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.””Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin.”So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. “What did ya get?” asked Joseph. “Well I got 5 Hail Mary’s, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;”Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.””You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!” “Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi.”
I was over in England, and I was walking down a country lane when I met an old farmer. I asked him if this lane carried on to the main road, as I needed to get back into town.”Yes”, he said, “and I’ll walk along with you and show you the way”.We walked for a while talking about interesting “stuff”, you know, the weather, cow shit and the like.He suddenly stopped and pointing to a field close by said,”You see that oak tree over there?” “Yes”, I said. “When I was a lad I made love under that tree for the first time in my life “.I said, “really”. “Yes”, he said,”and you see that other oak tree about 10 feet away,well her mother stood there watching us”.I said, “you mean to say you were having sex and her mother just stood there?””Yes” he said. “What did she say?”, I asked.
“Oh! not much”, he said, “just the occasional BAAAAAH! BAAAAAAH!”
There were these two twins named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old fishing boat. It just so happened that John’s wife died the very same day that Joe’s old boat sank. A kindly old woman saw Joe one day, and mistaking him for John said, “I’m sorry to hear about your loss, you must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said, “Hell no, in fact I’m sorta glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up, and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front. Every time I used her that hole got bigger, and then she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at once, and then she split right up the middle….”The old woman fainted!
A Wyoming cowboy gets off a plane in L.A., walks into a nearby bar and sits down beside a stunning looking redhead. He tries to pick her up but she says, “Don’t waste your time…I’m a lesbian.” “What part of Lesbia are you from?” he asks. “You don’t understand…see that gorgeous blonde on the other side of the bar? Well, I’d love to take her up to my room, strip her naked and make mad passionate love to her!” “Wow!” says the cowboy, “I’d like to do the same thing… I must be a lesbian too!”
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises a hand. The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?” Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. “Very good Sally,” the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up a hand. “See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?” Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. “See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?” Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.” Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard !!!”
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.”
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they had to pee. Neither of them had anything to wipe with so one thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it , so she decided to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, “These girls nights have to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst….. my wife came home with no panties!!” “That’s nothing” said the other husband. “Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said ……… ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.'”